On rewriting your script

Are we all just poorly written characters?

Yesterday, I saw this quote on Instagram and I think that it perfectly sums up where my head has been at the past few days, months...years, really:

“My fear of being real, of being seen, paralyzes me into silence. I crave the touch and the connection, but I’m not always brave enough to open my hand and reach out. This is the great challenge: to be seen, accepted, and loved, I must first reveal offer, and surrender.” – Anna White

I’ve always struggled with – not necessarily “being myself” in that I actively put on a persona that I perform in the world, but rather a version of myself that is much more held back, much more reserved and, ultimately, much more flattened.

As you work on being more self-accepting, there is a moment when you start to feel...Everyone is pretending! Everyone is playing a character and living out a script that they have in their heads. And it’s not one that we’ve written as an attempt to assert agency and self-determination in our own lives, but one that we’ve inherited from society, our families, whomever else. Literally, everyone is pretending!

I’ve felt really strongly about this – to the point where it would almost make me upset that people “weren’t being themselves” (as though that’s something that I can determine for someone else). However, recently I asked myself – how much of that is a projection of the parts of me that wish I could move through the world as my character more confidently...or more that my character was a more confident or self-assured individual, to begin with. 

It’s almost like you’re watching a TV show or movie (read: your life) and you think that a character is poorly written when in reality they might just be reflecting the parts of you that you’re ashamed of that you attempt to hide, rather than depict the qualities you wish you had. There’s nothing for you to romanticize, nothing for you to lean into as a form of escapism. It’s just you looking back at yourself.

So, when I look at other people and think to myself – Is this person just pretending? Am I just interacting with their character and not them? I’m working to redirect that energy inward and ask myself – what qualities are they reflecting back to you that are making you feel this way? 

It’s an invitation to check in with myself to ensure I am showing up honestly and authentically, even when it may be uncomfortable to do so. I know I struggle with feeling safe to be and be seen as my completely authentic and open self. I know try to think: How can I create that sense of safety for myself so that I know I’m showing up honestly at all times, rather than waiting for someone to reflect that back to me, and blaming my lack of openness in the interim on what I perceive to be their lack of openness?

At the end of the day, all of it is subjective and based on the stories we tell ourselves and the script in our head that we are moving off of. That said, it’s ultimately up to us to check in with ourselves to ensure that script is intentional, and that it moves the plot forward in generative ways and brings us closer to authentic expression and connection. 

I’d love to know if and how this resonates with y’all. As always, thanks for reading, see you next time.

–kési